


Happier (Without Me)

by xhorizen



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 09:25:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17423246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xhorizen/pseuds/xhorizen
Summary: Taylor doesn't realize that Zac can't be happy until he is happy.





	Happier (Without Me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TragicLove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/gifts).



> TragicLove asked for a oneshot and requested that I write Taylor's POV to her fic [Happier (Without You)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17333474)... This is what I came up with! Hope you love it!

If I were being honest with myself, I couldn’t even begin to tell you when my life started falling apart. Natalie and I were always really good about keeping our marital problems to ourselves, to the point that even our parents didn’t know what was going on, and to some extent, we barely even knew what was wrong. Our sex life, once so wild and free, came to a screeching halt after the birth of our sixth child. Or maybe it was even before that? I’ve always been so good at lying to myself that really, I barely even realized how bad things had become until Natalie and I were signing the divorce papers. My parents were strongly against the idea, of course, why wouldn’t they be? It went against everything they’d ever planned for me, and their perfect family.

Okay, so maybe I knew what caused the divorce – It wasn’t something I was entirely proud of, but it was something that had been happening longer than Natalie and I had even known each other. Cheating on my wife wasn’t something I had even planned on doing, but then again, I technically cheated on him with Natalie and got her pregnant, so… Really, who’s the wronged party in the whole situation? Him. Definitely him. 

The him I’m talking about? My brother, Zac. Because, you know, why the fuck would I do anything wrong without doing it ALL the way wrong? 

I counted myself lucky that Natalie never told anyone the reason for the divorce. I knew it was hard on her, she had long ago suspected me of being unfaithful to her, but had never gotten any hard proof. She seemed perfectly happy to be Mrs. Taylor Hanson, and I was perfectly happy pretending we had the perfect life. It was a great situation, really, for two people who had been thrown together because of an unfortunate circumstance as opposed to being in love. And that’s not to say I didn’t love her, I really did. She was the mother to my children, she was my partner, she was my best friend. I could count on her for anything and everything, and I probably took that for granted. No, I know I took that for granted, and that’s something I’ll probably never forgive myself for. 

Mom and dad went insane when we told them about the divorce. We were putting a proverbial black mark on their perfect family tree, and they weren’t willing to negotiate on anything before they began looking for another bride for me. I ached to tell them the truth, to admit to them what I had only recently begun to admit to myself, but I knew if I so much as insinuated I thought I was gay, they would have me on lockdown. It didn’t matter than I was a goddamn adult, and it didn’t matter that I had a career of my own – No, this was their family image, and they would do anything to protect it. SO instead, I went on a few dates with women from their church and feigned interest when I knew was required. Amanda had taken me by surprise – She was beautiful, blonde hair and blue eyes, absolutely gorgeous, but she was also intelligent and had the best sense of humor. It was easy to pretend to fall in love with her, to the point that I almost believed it myself. Almost. 

Zac kept me from truly believing it.   
You see, I was in love with him. Not in a way that you love your siblings, hell, I’m sure that was clear when revealing the reason for the divorce, but truly in love with him in a way I knew I would never love anyone else. He knew me inside and out, and I could always count on him to be there for me. As the years wore on, I saw the change in his eyes when he looked at me – When we were younger, his eyes would be full of love and hope, for us, and for our future, but lately, when our eyes met across a crowded room or even in the studio, alone at night, I had to look away as quickly as I could because all I saw was hatred and malice. I had turned the one person I could count on against me, and I didn’t know how to change that.

The night I proposed to Amanda, Zac and I had gotten into one of the worst fights we’d ever gotten into. It got to the point where I truly thought things would turn physical, and they probably would have too if I hadn’t left the studio with my tail tucked between my legs. We’d been fooling around, nothing too intimate or scandalous, just enough to take the edge off, and I’d made the mistake of telling him that I was thinking about marrying Amanda. The look on his face was a look I never wanted to see ever again in my entire life, the hurt was written in every fiber of his being, and I wanted to cry and take him in my arms, I wanted to tell him I didn’t mean it, but he pushed me away so hard I fell to the ground. I tried to reason with him, to remind him of who our parents were and of the expectations I was under, but he didn’t care. 

So I left him and went to Amanda – No use putting it off when I’d already told the person I was the most afraid to tell. 

Mom and dad went into wedding planning overdrive. This was Amanda’s second marriage as well, and we both tried to downplay the need for anything extravagant – Her because she was embarrassed at the expense and me because I didn’t want to rub it into Zac’s face – But my parents wouldn’t be dissuaded. They needed to tell the whole world that their second eldest child was getting married again and making an honest life for himself. A small part of me felt bad, knowing what I was getting Amanda into, but she seemed perfectly happy to participate. At least we both agreed neither of us wanted children together, her two from her previous marriage and my six were more than enough. Mom almost cried when I told her that, but it was the one thing I stood firm on – We were closer to 40 than 30, why the hell would we want to start over AGAIN? 

The engagement party was, of course, mom’s idea. She needed a reason to invite all of her friends and all of our family to a big social gathering to show off how well she and her family were doing. I tried to talk her down so many times my head started to spin, but she stood firm and what Diana Hanson wanted, Diana Hanson got. So instead of arguing, I simply attended the party and drank away my awkwardness with the free flowing champagne. I played the part of a good son and schmoozed with everyone I needed to, but when I saw Zac sitting with Kate, I couldn’t stay away. The pull was magnetic, I couldn’t stay away if I tried, and honestly, I didn’t try at all. Kate met my eye and rolled her own, she’d never been my biggest fan and I’m sure the divorce from her best friend didn’t help matters. When she left for the restroom, I had to hold myself back from saying something rude – Best not to insult my brother’s bride, right? I took her empty seat and turned to Zac, putting my hand on his knee and leaning in. 

“Having fun?” 

“No.” I couldn’t help but laugh, he sounded like such a child sometimes. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in months.” It was true, ever since wedding planning had taken over my life, he had made a point to be so scarce it was almost as though he didn’t exist. We had put a halt on any kind of writing or recording, just for the short time before the wedding, so I didn’t even run into him at the studio anymore. As much as I hated to admit it, even to myself, I missed him, even though I knew he didn’t miss me. 

“That’s because you haven’t.” He moved my hand from his knee and I frowned – I hated when he acted like he couldn’t even tolerate me. Would it kill him to at least pretend to miss me too?

“Miss you.” My voice dropped to a whisper as I ran my fingertips over his thigh. I was playing dirty, sure, but I knew how to get him to see things my way. 

“No.” He shoved my hand off of him and looked me in the eyes. If looks could kill, as cliché as it sounded, I would definitely be dead, at least five times, and buried six feet under. “Don’t do that.” 

“Do what?” Okay, so the alcohol was definitely affecting how I was handling things, but I didn’t really care. I leaned into him, trying to remember what it felt like to be in his arms, to feel his lips on mine.

“This. You can’t just take me and leave me whenever you want. Not anymore.” His words stung and I had to blink hard a few times to keep the tears at bay. He couldn’t possibly think that’s how I felt about him? 

“Zac, you know it’s not like that.” My hand was back on his knee again, it was likely I was going to end up with a form in the back of my hand at this rate, but I didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was showing him that he was wrong! 

“It’s – Fuck off, Taylor.” With that, Zac stood up so quickly I didn’t even register it until he was gone. 

Fuck. That probably couldn’t have gone any worse if I had tried. I scrambled up from my seat and followed him to the bathroom. In the back of my alcohol addled mind, I knew I was the last person he wanted to see anymore, but I didn’t care. I needed to make sure he knew the truth. I opened the door to the bathroom, relief flooding through me when I met his eye in the mirror – He hadn’t left. 

“Honestly?” The level of annoyance in his voice was enough to start to almost make me mad, but instead of letting that take over, I painted a smile on my face and walked up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing my lips to his neck. “Why’re you so mad?” 

“I’m not mad.” 

“You look pretty mad.” I bit at the most sensitive part of his neck and was rewarded with a sigh I knew all too well. I let one of my hands fall down his stomach and to the front of his jeans, smirking when I felt his hard under my hand. 

“Tay.” A groan fell from his lips as I started to rub against him. “No.” 

“Why not?” My voice had taken on a whiny quality I was sure, but it didn’t matter – I had him right where I wanted him. “Doesn’t it feel good?”

“Yes.” A brief feeling of accomplishment coursed through me as he turned around in my arms. “But it doesn’t feel good after.” I instantly deflated, the look in his eyes was enough to make me feel ashamed of my behavior.

“Come on.” I smiled, trying to win back the confidence I needed in order to remind Zac of how good we were together, of how much he meant to me. 

“You’re getting married, you idiot.” Zac’s face turned red and I felt my heart start to beat faster. “Why can’t you just be happy?” My breathing quickened as he dropped to his knees in front of me and I couldn’t break eye contact, not when he looked the way he did. “Why can’t you just let me be happy, too?” 

\--

Four months. Four months was how long it had been since I’d seen Zac, and I was ready to scream. After our last encounter, I knew I’d probably fucked up beyond repair. I was drunk, but I wasn’t stupid, and the next morning, I woke up feeling so full of regret I had to throw up to try to ease the guilt I felt in my stomach. 

If Amanda had noticed anything amiss about me, she didn’t point it out. She was a good one, mom would be really happy with her in the family, easily persuaded to do the “right thing” and all. When Isaac had mentioned the idea of a bachelor party, I almost wanted Amanda to say no, to put her foot down and be firm about something, but instead, she simply kissed me on my cheek and told me to have fun. 

For some reason, Isaac decided that the bar we’d had the wedding shower at was a good place to have the bachelor party as well, but since I wasn’t paying, I couldn’t very well complain. Instead, I showed up when I was supposed to and started drinking heavily, keeping an eye on the door, and waiting for Zac to show up. He finally entered the bar half an hour after the official start time and my heart jumped to my throat – I’d forgotten how beautiful he was.

His body language the entire night was very closed off and I tried to respect the obvious – He didn’t want anything to do with me, and I should respect that. But then midnight approached and I was wasted, and when I looked around to find Zac, I saw him slip out the front door, already leaving for the night. I managed to follow him without getting caught by anyone and grabbed his arm before he got across the street. I pulled him around the corner and pressed him into the brick wall, allowing my body to rest against his. 

“Tay.” His voice was so soft, it almost sounded like a little kids. “It’s late. I have to go home.” 

“After.” Four months was too long, and I missed him more than words could express. I leaned in to press a kiss to his lips, but he turned his head at the last second, causing my lips to land on his cheek. 

“No.” His hands were on my chest and my body was being pushed away before I realized what had happened. I felt my heart start racing as I realized what he meant. My arms fell to my side and I looked at him as though I’d never seen him before, and really, I hadn’t, not that side. He’d never rejected me before. He took a step closer to me before speaking again. 

“We’re done here. For good.” 

“What?” Clearly I’d heard him, but the feeling of my heart breaking in my chest was enough to make me hope maybe I’d misunderstood. “We’re not-“ He cut me off. 

“We’re done.” He shrugged and the lump in my throat got so big I couldn’t breathe. He turned away from me and started to walk away. 

“Zac!” My voice finally came back to me and I called out, hoping to make him change his mind. “ZAC!”

“Be happy, Taylor. One of us has to be.” He didn’t stop walking until he reached his truck. Every part of me wanted to run after him, to beg him for forgiveness, but instead, I just watched as he drove away. He would be happier without me.


End file.
